The Draconic Star

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A series of pictures depicting issues for those who rely on wheelchairs.

A person with glasses sitting on a wheelchair stares at a door entrance located on a set of stairs.

Did you know... Some of us couldn’t even enter our own homes?

A crowd gathers in front of a bus, with a person on a wheelchair on the back, trying to get other people’s attention.

Please be mindful... Of those who can’t “push” their way around!

A woman with a hijab and glasses sits at a receptionist desk. A person on a wheelchair wearing a kippah is unable to reach the top to get her attention.

Simple things like reception desk height actually matters a lot!

A person on a wheelchair wearing a baseball hat backwards is unable to close the door to the restrooms. Despite this, the sign outside is marked as wheelchair accessible.

It is as if... Some doors aren’t meant to be closed!

A person on a wheelchair is frightened as their wheelchair goes down too fast down a ramp.

Did you know... That wheelchair ramps are steeper than recommended?

A man wearing a kippah is about to enter a temple, but covers his wheelchair wheels with a cover to keep the inside of the temple as clean as possible.

Wheelchairs go everywhere... But we can provide wheel covers for special places.

A picture of a parking lot Two cars are parked, one with most space to allow a disabled person to get on and off. A woman holding crutches is angered at a motorcycle parked in front of her car, which isn’t supposed to be there. A person on a wheelchair nearby notices her anger.

There’s a reason why... Certain space is allocated at disabled parking lots. And no, it’s not for your bike!

Two people stand in front of an automatic door. One is a child attempting to wave their hands to get it to open, and the other is a person on a wheelchair.

Notice that sometimes... Automatic door sensors are a bit short?

A bus is waiting at a stop. A person on a wheelchair is unable to get to the stop due to a steep ledge in front of them.

Are you aware that... Despite the upgraded buses, the bus stops need upgrading too?

A person on a wheelchair is using an ATM machine, which is placed at a lower position so they’re able to reach and use the machine comfortably.

In case you’re wondering... Why the new ATM machine designs are lower and slightly uncomfortable to use while standing up...

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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

I brought this post up with my ADHD therapist today (who also has ADHD), and she got so still that I thought our Zoom call had frozen.

Turns out she just needed to stare into her soul for a bit and it looked like this:

I think disabled people deserve high income for free forever with no strings attached and I’m not kidding

disabled people deserve basics. but we also deserve to go on vacation. we deserve splurging on a $50 video game every once in a while. we deserve nice meals and nice clothes and nice things. we deserve a nice candle. and fancy soap.

disabled ppl deserve to be comforted by human impulses like the rest of y’all

lol remember when people were getting pissy about my idea of ‘nice things’ and ‘disposable income’ because it was just describing their everyday life and that’s not glamorous

meanwhile I wrote this post living on my best friends couch living out of a suitcase lol

the idea that your friends won't like you if you're too weird is wrong you just need better friends for example one time I told a friend whenever I was losing my mind I laid down on the floor under my desk and stared at it until I was better and next time she visited me she taped a bag of salami snacks to the underside of my desk with a message saying "going insane all by yourself, handsome?" which I only saw months later when I had a breakdown. that's friendship.

the real life version of being doomed by the narrative is knowing you have work in the morning